Untying the Weight of What-If

Typically speaking I am a good girl. I come from a great family with proper values. I was a straight A student in highschool and a B+ A- student in University. I landed a great job with a multinational company within a month of graduating. In 2 weeks I had finished all interviews, signed the contract and started work. How I ended up here is quite funny really.

Sometime back in September 2009, just when my senior year started in University I decided that upon graduation I was to stay in Beirut (My hometown and where i resided for Uni.) and try to find a job there. My aim was to keep my life as beautiful and as great as possible. The way I liked it. Partying the weekends away, sometimes weekdays as well, and hanging out during the week. My books, clothes, sketches, writings and my Camera all around me. But most importantly my mother would be around.

2009 turned to 2010, March 2010 turned to June 2010. June 2010 turned into Aug 16, 2010. August 16, 2010 was the day I left beirut for a month, for vacation. I packed 2 pairs of pants and a few tops, also some essentials were thrown in. I needed the break as so much had happened that year that I felt it would do me good to leave for a while, a months time, rejuvenate and get back and start job hunting. Little did I know that when i got on that plane I was never going back.

I left without saying proper goodbye to some of the important people in my life. And for the longest time ever I had wanted to apologize. I was a coward back then. I got where i was heading, and I decided to never look back. I dropped the wagon because i was running away. Running as fast as I can, away, Just so my past didnt catch up with me.
After all of that for the longest time possible i was stuck in a What-if rut. And it felt like no matter what I did i was always feeling Trapped. Thing is I spent most of my childhood, teen years, and early adult hood living fearlessly. Falling in and out of love, Taking chances, trusting strangers, partying till early hours of the morning.
I was a fearless idiot who drove at speeds of over 200 just because I didnt know the consequences(I am not encouraging this in any way, i am just trying to portray How i was growing up). But then i made that decision. That decision that turned my life upside down, it forced me to mature. I was in the workforce before i could mentally prepare myself for it. I was pursuing a career i never knew existed, and up until recently I had episodes every now and then, depressive ones about how Id like to go back.
But these past few weeks, maybe months even ive been transforming back, slowly letting go of all the walls I'd built up around me. And i found myself today morning thinking: “What would you do if you were fearless?” I sat back and a big smile came on my face. “I would go for it,” and my mind approved.

And after all that, I remembered i was on a journey to becoming Fearless. For many this would be a first trial. For me being Fearless means that I find myself again, I was on a journey to reintroduce my new self to my old self. No more what-ifs , Only Possibilities.

The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Fearless