Scared Senseless
I am a dreamer. It’s the surest thing I know about myself. Most people would say it’s not a bad thing. I would agree with them if my ability to dream would be matched by my ability to make things happen. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I dream, imagine and create. I get lost from the banality of the day to day tasks by running away in my imagination where stories are created and characters are born. It’s something that no one knows about me. I empathize with my characters; I can create and recreate a situation until I get it right… or have the impression to have gotten it right. I know their feelings. I experience joy, grief, happiness and sadness. I can live them so intense they bring out… Well, it doesn’t matter. That’s another thing about me. I tend to go on and on about things. I talk too much, I write too much. I don’t know the meaning of balance. It’s something I am struggling to obtain as much as I am trying to figure out “what next?”.
Why mention I am a dreamer? Because it is what brings me to my next point. I have a lot of ideas, I have a lot of plans. Most of my family would say I have a lot of talent as well… wasted talent. I get ideas, I plan them, I start making them reality… then, I stop. My dilemma. Theoretically, my plans would work amazingly well. Why do I stop? Why can’t I find something that keeps me engaged? That keeps me interested, convinced… with a desire to keep going and doing it. Even now while writing this, I feel like stopping. Will my life be a thread of unfinished things? Will I just start things to leave them “In process”?
I make decisions only for them to be dropped after a while. I am too comfortable to move my ass into gear to DO them for a long run. I am too lazy to change my daily routine to carry out my decisions. I want to better myself, to be a better version – to be an acquisition for the people in my life. But, in the same time, I am perfectly comfortable being myself, the way I am now. With the “We can do it – it will get done eventually” attitude that has kept me going, even if last minute until now. However, sometimes I feel that making it on the edge, learning things on the edge is not enough. That I need to give more.
And the paradox: I know I can be better. I know I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. I know I have the brains to do it; I am lucky in that perspective. Like my family said, I would probably have the talent to do it as well. They always believed in me, in my capacity and in my ability to accomplish things. Sure, maybe proving to be a smart kid from very young contributed to that, but I was always taught that there isn’t a thing I can’t do if I put my mind and heart in it. What’s keeping me back? Why is being comfortable NOW more important than making my imagination reality in the long-run?
There are so many things I don’t know, so many things I
still need to learn. Patience is one of them. I am the most impatient
person. When I don’t know something, I’m burning to know. I can’t wait
to get on it when I have a plan; the fact that I might not even complete
it doesn’t matter. If I could only learn that, to develop and nurture
patience in my life, so many of these issues wouldn’t be anymore.
I’m scared. I’m scared my dreams and my ideas are too big
for my capacity of doing things. I’m scared I will always leave them
for later thinking there is time, until one day there won’t be time
anymore. I’m scared time is passing by and I am standing still. I’m
scared that so many people have made so many sacrifices for me, have
given me so much and that I won’t be able to give them as much in
return. I’m beginning to realise that life is short- I’m scared to lose
the ones I love, I’m scared I won’t meet people’s expectations, I’m
scared of rejection, of not being understood, of misjudging people, of
being wrong. But the thing I am most scared of is wasting my life. Of
waking up one day, in the distant future and realize I haven’t achieved a
lot, that my journey was just a trail in the sand, washed away by the
waves.Achievement is such a subjective notion. Those who know me will realize it’s not about glory and fortune. For me, it’s about leaving a trail that lasts, making a difference. Not necessarily on the global scale; the tiny microscopic one is just as precious. I don’t want to calmly go through life like a duck floating on water. I want to stir things up before arranging them; I want to spread fireworks and firecrackers. I don’t want quiet and silence, I want laughter and music and Love. I want the soundtrack of my whole life to be an unforgettable tune that most people would hum. I want to be hard to forget. Or not necessarily myself, but what I stand for, once I figure it out. I want to leave an impression..
Without Bold Lipstick today,
Fearless
<3
Babe you will figure out what it is that you will do, that will consume you entirely and that makes a difference. What I can tell you is things that matter, that are worth sacrificing your life for are charitable in nature: whether the charity is towards humans, animals or the planet. Try organizing your thoughts by first organizing your writings. I understand you. The rush of ideas, the scenarios and personalities created in your head, well, that is all a sign that you are a genius. Mediocre people just talk about each other. You clearly are not one of them. Hold on to that and to the passion you have for life and I promise you, you will unveil your amazing potential to be great. I hope this helps sweetie. Bisouxx.
ReplyDeleteDana dandoun I am blessed to have you in my life. your words are always a source of comfort for me. You are very right the charitable things in life are the ones that are the most significant and worthwhile. I hope one day all this energy can be focused for the greater good.
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